Clown Alley: A Circus of Late Night Mediocrity
ok, so this should have been posted sometime late last december when joe and i WENT to Clown Alley over in North Beach, but laziness and several hundred rounds of Halo 2 kind of got in the way. oh, and also school, girlfriend, thai food, an oriental vacation and extreme drug use.
but that's basically an entirely different story.
in any case. i will now attempt to reach deep into the hazy banks of my memory and try and recreate me and joe's Clown Alley experience. don't worry, i remember enough of it to the point where i still to this day have mixed feelings about it.
BACKGROUND CHECK
named Clown Alley because it apparently gets all types of people frequenting the joint, ranging from A-list celebrities to homeless christian scientists, it is conveniently located at the mouth of North Beach, on Montgomery at Columbus. to be honest i felt a little uneasy going to a burger place with a circus theme to it, because my odd thread of logic tempts me to associate circus animals with the food content. but i figured what the hell, it's always in plain view whenever i go to North Beach (which isnt often, admittingly) and i wanna find out how far 10 bucks will get me in this restaurant.
joe and i both ordered a cheeseburger. and instantly, to our dismay, we find out that fries are not included with your purchase of a burger. total bammers.
THE PATTY: (6/10)
let's put it this way... Clown Alley is brave enough to have the kitchen in plain view of the customer. to my extreme dismay, the patties werent exactly top-of-the-line. drawn from a meat locker, i thought to myself "man, i paid 7 bucks for a burger that i basically could have made at home."
to their credit, they know how to flame a burger. it wasnt bad.
THE BUN: (6/10)
the buns also felt and tasted store-bought. this burger joint was beginning to head into shitlist territory. honestly, grocery store burgers grilled at home dont taste horrible, in fact i enjoy a nice bbq'd burger from time to time when the weather permits it. the low rating, however, comes from the hefty price tag and the utter lack of complementary fries to compensate for this very average-tasting burger.
PRODUCE/SIDES: (8.5/10)
as joe and i sat down to eat, we realized that our burgers were completely naked. no lettuce, kethcup, puppy semen.... nothing. either Clown Alley really did not want our business again, OOOORRRR...
THEY HAVE A CUSTOM CONDIMENT/PRODUCE BAR!!!! finally, a silver lining in this very cloudy mcCloudface cloud. it seriously had everything: jalapenos, tomatoes, lettuce, 2 kinds of onions, peppers, salt/pepper, several kinds of sauce ranging from ketchup to buttermilk ranch, etc. etc.
this seriously saved the place for sure. everything seemed decently fresh, also.. no browned leaves, no mold of any kind... no snot on the sneeze guards...
supoib.
and the fries, despite having to PAY EXTRA for them, were fully fried, not too oily, and crispy good. overall, i would say the condiments are the kicker for this place, rather than the actual food itself.
ATMOSPHERE: 9/10
alright, so yeah the burgers are so-so, and yeah it may creep some people out to be reminded of juggling elephants and coked up entertainers with funny shoes and dots on their eyelids while they eat a hamburger... but the place is actually really comfortable and inviting.
bigtime bonuses:
- there is an outside patio, with a picturesque view of the TransAmerica Pyramid, and a sizeable portion of the rest of the SF skyline. it is especially pretty at night.
- as mentioned earlier, the condiment bar is DYNAMITE.
- on fridays and saturdays, this fuckin place is OPEN UNTIL 3AM... can you say post-bar-hopping munchies???
- the people running the place seemed nice enough, i mean they kept the condiment aisle clean and fresh, along with the rest of the interior/exterior.
only drawback (about the atmosphere, at least):
- this place, unfortuneately, is cash only. so all you kids out there who took a jackson out of the ATM and spent most of it on drinks thinkin you can just slide some plastic later on for food here, think again... luckily for you losers, there's an ATM right at the front entrance.
but that's basically an entirely different story.
in any case. i will now attempt to reach deep into the hazy banks of my memory and try and recreate me and joe's Clown Alley experience. don't worry, i remember enough of it to the point where i still to this day have mixed feelings about it.
BACKGROUND CHECK
named Clown Alley because it apparently gets all types of people frequenting the joint, ranging from A-list celebrities to homeless christian scientists, it is conveniently located at the mouth of North Beach, on Montgomery at Columbus. to be honest i felt a little uneasy going to a burger place with a circus theme to it, because my odd thread of logic tempts me to associate circus animals with the food content. but i figured what the hell, it's always in plain view whenever i go to North Beach (which isnt often, admittingly) and i wanna find out how far 10 bucks will get me in this restaurant.
joe and i both ordered a cheeseburger. and instantly, to our dismay, we find out that fries are not included with your purchase of a burger. total bammers.
THE PATTY: (6/10)
let's put it this way... Clown Alley is brave enough to have the kitchen in plain view of the customer. to my extreme dismay, the patties werent exactly top-of-the-line. drawn from a meat locker, i thought to myself "man, i paid 7 bucks for a burger that i basically could have made at home."
to their credit, they know how to flame a burger. it wasnt bad.
THE BUN: (6/10)
the buns also felt and tasted store-bought. this burger joint was beginning to head into shitlist territory. honestly, grocery store burgers grilled at home dont taste horrible, in fact i enjoy a nice bbq'd burger from time to time when the weather permits it. the low rating, however, comes from the hefty price tag and the utter lack of complementary fries to compensate for this very average-tasting burger.
PRODUCE/SIDES: (8.5/10)
as joe and i sat down to eat, we realized that our burgers were completely naked. no lettuce, kethcup, puppy semen.... nothing. either Clown Alley really did not want our business again, OOOORRRR...
THEY HAVE A CUSTOM CONDIMENT/PRODUCE BAR!!!! finally, a silver lining in this very cloudy mcCloudface cloud. it seriously had everything: jalapenos, tomatoes, lettuce, 2 kinds of onions, peppers, salt/pepper, several kinds of sauce ranging from ketchup to buttermilk ranch, etc. etc.
this seriously saved the place for sure. everything seemed decently fresh, also.. no browned leaves, no mold of any kind... no snot on the sneeze guards...
supoib.
and the fries, despite having to PAY EXTRA for them, were fully fried, not too oily, and crispy good. overall, i would say the condiments are the kicker for this place, rather than the actual food itself.
ATMOSPHERE: 9/10
alright, so yeah the burgers are so-so, and yeah it may creep some people out to be reminded of juggling elephants and coked up entertainers with funny shoes and dots on their eyelids while they eat a hamburger... but the place is actually really comfortable and inviting.
bigtime bonuses:
- there is an outside patio, with a picturesque view of the TransAmerica Pyramid, and a sizeable portion of the rest of the SF skyline. it is especially pretty at night.
- as mentioned earlier, the condiment bar is DYNAMITE.
- on fridays and saturdays, this fuckin place is OPEN UNTIL 3AM... can you say post-bar-hopping munchies???
- the people running the place seemed nice enough, i mean they kept the condiment aisle clean and fresh, along with the rest of the interior/exterior.
only drawback (about the atmosphere, at least):
- this place, unfortuneately, is cash only. so all you kids out there who took a jackson out of the ATM and spent most of it on drinks thinkin you can just slide some plastic later on for food here, think again... luckily for you losers, there's an ATM right at the front entrance.
posted by Boomtime at 10:29 PM
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