Sparky's: A Consensual Beef Injection In The Castro

DISCLAIMER 1: Going into an estabilished diner and specifically reviewing only the burgers is like going to Wondercon just for the free movie posters... That’s simply not all there is to it. Nonetheless, I feel like Sparky’s deserves a fair run, seeing as how the main attraction is ultimately still the hamburgers.

DISCLAIMER 2: This entry was written over a year ago, prior to Sparky's remodeling. you can thank Joe for the delay in getting this thing up. It is no longer a kitschy 50's diner, it is now a 50's kitsch diner melded with a Pac-Heights sophisticate's idea of a 50's diner. Think expensive hardwood floors and over-planned paint schemes. In fact, if you are to compare Sparky’s to, say, Denny’s or even Lucky Penny, it is probably the best place to be after 3am (with the possible exception of Orphany Andy's).

Be prepared to drop about about 10 bucks for a full burger meal. In and of itself, that's not too bad, but like I said, it's a full-fledged diner. Don't say that you weren't warned when you end up with a 22 dollar check spent on killer milkshakes, mac'n'cheese, or any of that other good crap you probably could have made at home for half the price but were too drunk to care.

Onto the Burgers!!!


MENU: Sparky’s has well over a dozen different kinds of hamburgers. I guess in the spirit of the Castro District’s celebration of diversity, the big S has decided to grace your palate with a plethora of choices. Some come with bacon, some come with mushrooms and onions, some come with super snobby fancy cheese, and some, like the Ranchero Burger I ordered (and recommend), come with a “dollup” of ranch… which just seriously sounds dirty to me, for whatever reason.

But as exemplified in the highly disappointing Bill’s Burgers out on Clement and 23rd, just because you have 100 different ways to make a burger doesn’t make a burger joint awesome (incidentally, we never got around to writing a review for Bill’s, because it was just that subpar).

Here is how Sparky’s burgers stack up:

THE PATTY: 7.5/10

As expected, the patty was small-ish, somewhere in the 1/3-lb ballpark. Nonetheless, it got the job done. The servers are courteous enough to ask how you would like it cooked. I also recall all of these particular patties to be quite greasy, which is advantageous in the following situations:

• The consumer is under the influence of a moderate amount of alcohol.
• The consumer's chair is squeaky and creaking, upon which said grease is perfect substitution for WD40.
• The consumer is nostalgic about the high school years and wants to develop extremely bad acne just for old time’s sake.
• The consumer does not aspire to impress any sort of resemblance of the opposite sex.

Grease aside, they do not taste previously-frozen, so Sparky cares at least a LITTLE about preparation.

THE BUN: 6/10

If I remember correctly, there wasn’t anything particularly special about the buns. Neither here nor there. BUT, unlike Burger Joint’s super-absorbent and oversized suckiness, Sparky’s seemed to be a pretty good size. They also got the job done, holding all that shit in so it doesn’t slip out onto the plate and cause unnecessary annoyance.

THE PRODUCE: 7/10

The produce varies depending on what kind of burger you order, but it's always stellar. The mushrooms and caramelized onions featured on select burgers (and available as actual accessories to other burgers for a price) are definitely done really well. My ranchero burger came with a pepper in it, and THAT in itself was pretty frickin tasty. Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and other regulars are about average, but seriously, it’s a 24 hour diner in the Castro. I'm not expecting everything to be straight from Mother Nature’s birth canal here.

SAUCES: 8/10

With hot sauce as standard fare, you can't go wrong. The portion of ranch that came with my Ranchero was more than enough. This is a huge plus because usually when special sauces are included at a diner, they’re always stingy about it. BBQ sauce is also pretty common in the menu. The choices are pretty numerous, perhaps a bit too much for the types of creatures who frequent these things at such an ungodly time of the night--present company included.

SIDES: 8.5/10

Ok, this is pretty much the first instance where you will find me giving such a high rating despite the fries NOT coming with the order. Reason: there are about 50 different other sides to choose from, including salads, soups, breakfast items, milkshakes, etc. Since you are going to be spending about almost 20 bucks, you might as well treat yourself to a little something extra. It sure beats just getting fries and feeling lame for saving only a few bones and missing out on having, say, a coffee shake and hash browns. It’s a diner, ‘member?

ATMOSPHERE/SERVICE: 8.5/10

Sparky’s diner seems to run along the same line of thought as the fictional Café 80’s in the 2nd Back to the Future movie… as Doc Brown put it, “its one of those throwback places, but not done very well.”

Its like if you gave a gay Gen-Xer $100,000 to open a “50’s” diner, and he had all his roommates help him pick out the CDs to go in the jukebox, and all the accidentally provocative route-66-ish paraphenelia to go on the walls (example: “Gay Johnny” Fruit Stand, San Antonio Texas).

All kidding aside, the jukebox is pretty decent (wanna hear Tears for Fears, Nirvana, Madonna and The Clash all in the same sitting?). The tables are spacious, comfortable and clean--although late at night the waiters tend to shy away from seating you in any of the booths unless requested. Most importantly, the waiters are all kind, courteous, have great senses of humor. They are also (usually) AMAZINGLY patient. This is particularly impressive around last call. I could never imagine being in the midst of that--I’d probably get skinned alive.

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Sparky's Diner

242 Church St
San Francisco, CA 94114

(415) 626-8666